Maybe I'll keep it shorter, and more general. Edited 14092010.
Lately, i've been building more walls instead of bridges, so as to "not really" establish a connection with anyone about my personal love life. But as time goes, and the rate I'm meeting friends that make me think a lot about this "personalified" life of mine, the walls then get destroyed by myself day by day, with eventually having the possiblity of becoming slightly more vulnerable compared to usual times. Well, I've missed you more than words can say, but bit by bit, I'm starting to realise, letting go is the hardest thing to do, 'cause in a relationship, there's so much memories to contain in the heart, mind and soul, that forgetting them is simply easier said than done. To add, I've come into a realisation to stop leading people on for real, and let everyone go into the wilderness of their own life -- even if it has to go to the extent of losing some friendships due to "not being able to love and get into a relationship", then be it, 'cause I know there always has to be sacrifices made in order to gain something better.
Well, to add, I've been sleeping late every night -- latest being six in the morning, and earliest being four in the morning. I have no idea what's wrong with my body clock right now, but I always can't get to sleep. Even so, if I manage to sleep earlier, I'll have a very bad one anyway. Even my appetite's affected; eating much slower than usual, chewing slower than usual, and sometimes even eating lesser. This is not because I've not been eating appetising food or having simply no appetite, but it's that. - I know I need to eat, and so I eat. And even my emotions are affected, I can think of a certain painful or happy memory for nights and days, without stopping. I feel like I can't even control my own emotions anymore. Pretty disturbing though. But I've yet to start crying over those memories till cows come home. Bahh, it better not happen.
Well, I think I've lost momentum of who I am. Cheerfulness, something that I really value till date, hasn't been showing on my face. But lame jokes are still in me, especially those of Regina and Jeffery, and a whole load of others. I've yet to see myself really smile over something right now. And I've yet to get my mentality into finding a job, and then, getting myself all into place. This is not a very good sign though.
You know, I know that I can do so much more, but some things are just pulling me back. -- It feels as if I'm currently into an endless pit and wondering when I'll get out of it and blah blah blah.
To add, September Eleventh (saturday) was the first weekend since you book out from tekong island and we actually met up! Seems pretty cool, don't you think? Though I've waited for approximately forty minutes for you while you're outside, and I didn't know, and I got cheesed off, but I still waited anyway. Pretty sweet of myself though xD, 'cause all I wanted was to see you, and a glimpse of you. To see that you're fine and things like that. Well, to add, my frustration faded away when I saw you. But through meeting you that day, I definitely had good times with you, and realising some stuff. Well, coming into the realisation point, it's not that a second chance into a relationship is not possible, it's more of, we're scared to get hurt and make the same mistakes al over again, and then drowning into that once-drunken love of ours. - This makes it like now, until today, still can't get over each other. Not a very good sign.
True enough, I don't have the ability to say I love you. The only way I can say is indirectly, when you assure me you do too, and that gives me more self-belief in holding on to the flame as much as you did. I know you still love me, and I can't afford to see you in such agony. Well, I love you too though. That's all I can say. But all these thoughts hurt, and every time people ask me about it, I ask them to shut it off 'cause I don't want to think about it. I want to pretend nothing has happened, and sleep over it. But till today, for this reason, I haven't been having a very good night's sleep.
Subsequently after that meeting with you, I met zhiwei (or you call, gary koh) at cafe cartel tampines for he had some stuff to talk out with me. Through the awkwardness of not having a proper meeting after five years, we've had cake and coffee and personal talk. To him, I'm fully aware of the feelings you've for me, but I'm sorry to start bursting your bubble from that day, that I treat you no more than a good friend and a listener. Nevertheless, please understand that I did this is 'cause I don't want you to be led on, and falling into your own denial that there will be a chance, for I know there never will be. Thanks for being able to forgive the times I stood you up, thanks for being that good listener when I need one while I cried, ranted, screamed etc. But you know, it hurts me to see you so sad over me not loving you back. You can get someone better. Please take a couple of steps back. To add, please don't ask Joscelin how I'm getting on all the time, 'cause I'll be fine. You don't need to worry about that factor.
Following that, Dennis wanted to meet me as well, to celebrate his twenty-first birthday with me. But I know I coudldn't, for I was with a friend then. Anyway, I understood perfectly of the reason why he got jealous and in the end, having the want to cut off ties with me. I was never the kind of person to reject, unless needed to. I feel guilty for leading him on until that day, and have a lot to thank and apologise for. Sorry for what I've done to you, and the feelings I've made you develop, and thanks for everything you've done for me - especially that bicycle ride at east coast park. - it was the most memorable part of our a month and a half's closeness, or rather, what you'd call, relationship. Within that 1.5 months, we've had quite a bit to remember for. True enough, I've doubted his love enough, and maybe for all I know, it was futile. Maybe I was really never the substitute for his exgirlfriend. Maybe I was made use of. I don't really want to think about it though. I know and admit, that I had a liking for him for a while, but it faded off easily 'cause I was working my ass out. I admit I was sad that I lost him as a friend, but nevertheless, I shall take it as a stepping stone and give a sigh of relief 'cause I can finally have peer pressure against him off my back.
Well, to be frank, I know almost nuts of how love goes, 'cause you could say I've never once loved so deeply that I can remember of. People always think I'm not serious enough, and yeah, I guess they may just be right. But it's when I start cherishing some love seriously, it starts falling out of my grasp. But why, why won't they just give me a chance to be better? But now, it's different, as age increases, the heart gets stronger, but everything else gets awry. Look at sex drive, or immune system. Some people grow to be highly driven by sex, and/or people's immune system gets weaker.
But I know one thing. Just before one starts to decide giving up on love, they should look back and ask themselves why they actually held on to it. Is it 'cause they loved wholeheartedly for the individual themselves, or was it simply 'cause of gratitude, or was it simply 'cause of returning the other party a favour for holding on to you?
P.S By the rate like this, we may just never move on, 'cause I can somehow see, each time we meet, our connection just gets stronger, and we get even more passionate. You may say you're strong, but your will isn't as strong as what it is now. You may say you want to destroy this memory, but can you really bear to?
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