the future is just less than a mile away.

I haven't been having a good sleep for a long time, not this month at least. -

My mind's been occupied with so much thoughts, that I just feel like voicing it out to someone, but yet, I don't know who to do it so, or perhaps I've thought of someone, but I don't even know whether he / she will be so keen on just listening to whatever I've to say, regardless of complaints, or sharing of stories and experiences.

As Faizah was confiding in me, she was sick and tired of life.
But I'm not, I'm just trying to press on, so just press on,
'cause no matter what good or bad things come to you now, it'll all keep coming and never stop.

Well, I've been looking out for desirable / potential jobs that I could try working at, or imagine myself working in,
and even degrees at private institutions that I could think of pursuing with my miserable GPA.

To be honest, I'd rather further my studies, than working so fast.

But disgusting enough, I don't aim to go for NTU or NUS, though it sounds so prestigous.

The best thing was, I didn't register for the NTU talk @ Suntec on Saturday, 'cause I didn't seem very interested in it.
To be frank, I won't want to be studying what I don't like forever, which I won't even apply, which is Physics.

Though I love calculations a lot, but not that much also anyway,
& I'm simply sick and tired of the hardcore dry Chemistry I've been studying in Chemical Process Technology,
'cause I can never seem to score in it.

I was actually thinking of pursuing a pharmaceutical degree instead at mdis, or psb academy.
But just not in pure chemistry, I'm not entirely interested in it.

Maybe, getting into the fragrance sector will be all good, as I've aspired to be a perfumer,
but it's just so hard to find a suitable place to pursue it other than overseas.

Perhaps, I could just go straight into working. -
To be a chemical analyst at Shering Plough (or Merck), in sales selling chemicals or glassware, or even a teacher or lecturer.

Zomg, Zzzz. But I've never imagined myself to be a lecturer anyway. Not now at least.


On the other hand, my personal thoughts are killing me. -

Some friends can be killers, especially when some just simply don't understand the emotional turmoil that one is going through,
and give you hell of a dressing-down when you don't desire for it.

They can even say, you deserve to get your misery. It's your own fault, and all those shit.
But fuck you, who wants to get into misery in the first place ?

And I've even asked myself some questions:-

Would it have been better to choose other paths, but not the current one I'm going at ?

Would it have been better if I performed better, and went to a more desirable course ?

Would it have been better, if I didn't fall so deeply in love with you ?

Would it have been better, if our relationship wasn't so fragile ?


Until today, these questions still stand. Especially the last one. Not that I'm blaming the other party for everything, but it's just I've never expected it to end so fast, 'cause I've vividly remembered memories of us smiling so happily, and doing everything we could, together.

Sheesh, it's already over, and I'm still remembering all of them.
What's wrong with me ?

There's just too much else to say, besides all of those :(

But you seem happier with them, & am content enough, for perhaps I really could never be your sunshine.